A Potion's Lesson
by Avlin
Summary: The further, further adventures of Ms. Katharine at Hogwart’s with her favorite teacher. Snape finally tries something romantic, and surprise! They’re interrupted by someone... A special surprise is instore for Severus, who doesn’t know it. But you


The night was young yet and Kate found herself restless as usual. It was nearing end of the spring term. She always hated leaving Hogwart's, despite the bouts of homesickness she sometimes suffered while there. Avlin, her partner in crime, was no where to be found in the dorms or the common room of Slytherin.

"Off for a snog with old what's-his-face I'll guess", Kate said to no one in particular.

A short, thin boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes sat down next to her in one of the over stuffed leather armchairs. He looked like a first year, his right eye was swelling up.

Kate looked at him in a motherly sort of way and patted his shoulder. "Gees, you really got a shiner coming up there. You ought to have Madam Pompfrey take a look at it, she could fix it up like that for you. What happened?"

The boy did not look at her and shook his head. "That little rat face Malfoy and I got into a fight", he said and then looked at her with a smile matching the malevolence Avlin was known for. "But if you think I'm bad, you really ought to see Malfoy. Some girl saw Malfoy and his gang picking on me for being so small and she sent them all for a loop with a few good hexes. I think Malfoy must have wet himself when she turned Crabbe into a green mouse."

Kate laughed. "Did the girl have short blue-black hair and a bunch of band patches and safety pins all over her robe?"

"Yes, yes I think she did. Do you know her?"

Kate straightened up in the chair. "I taught her everything she knows. Hehehe! Did you see which way she went?"

"Professor Snape took her to his office, along with the three green mice she had turned Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle into."

Kate stood up quickly. "Well, I hope your eye gets better, lemme' know if you have anymore trouble with that lot. What's your name again?"

"I never told you the first time. I'm Neu."

"Off course you're new, if you weren't then I'd know you already."

"No, I mean I'm Neu, as in N-e-u. Get it?"

Kate shook her head and waved her hand at him. "No and I haven't got time for you to explain it to me. Just tell me later!"

Kate climbed out of the Portrait hole and ran down the dungeon corridors to Snape's office. When she reached the door she could hear Snape's voice from inside.

"...it is totally inappropriate to turn your house members into animals! I have never seen such a blatant display of childishness since I attended school here! I should be deducting points from my own house! If Professor McGonagal had been the one to catch you it would have been at least ten points for each one of them! What were you thinking? Did you think it would be amusing? Explain yourself, Devin!"

"They were picking on a boy for being small so I thought it would serve them right to see how it felt to be small and defenseless for a change", Avlin shouted back at him.

"Do not raise your voice when you're speaking to me! I am the head of your house, a professor at this school, a potions master and an adult!"

"Well you certainly didn't act like one when you told everyone about poor Remus's affliction two years ago! You could have ruined his life and here you are lecturing me about childish behavior!"

"What I do and why I do it are for my own reasons and I do not have to explain myself to you", Snape paused and took a deep breath. "At any rate, it is not your place to dole out punishments! The next time you see that happening, go get a teacher. To help you remember the lesson, you will help me with my herbs and label my bottles tonight! And Katharine, for listening in on this conversation, you will help me too!"

Kate smiled, like spending time with him was really a punishment.

That night she strolled into the Potion's Master's office beaming. She could hardly believe what she didn't see. Snape was not in his chocolate colored leather chair.

"Damn it! I thought I was actually going to get to spend an unquestionable evening with my man", Kate spat as she hopped angrily on the spot. Her stream of expletives did not cease until the implacable Snape himself strode in; looking mildly surprised by her unhappy dance.

Kate stopped in mid hop, her arms raised in fists as she said. "Oh, hello, detention!" She continued in a happy dance as she sang 'lalala'.

"Er, yes, detention. Glad to see you are so... _pleased_ with being punished", Snape said, fighting a smile.

"So, are you going to bring back the whips and chains from the old days like Filch is always going on about", Avlin asked cheekily from behind Kate.

"I certainly hope so", Kate shouted gleefully.

Snape looked ruffled for the first time in either of the two friends' memories. Snape drew Kate off to the side of the room by her arm. Kate relished his gentle grasp.

"You _told_ her", Snape choked.

Kate looked over he shoulder at Avlin who was amusing herself with a shiny pen.

"Ooo, look, shiny! Oh my! It clicks! Kate, did you see this", Avlin giggled from where she was seated behind Snape's desk.

Kate looked back at Snape. "Yes. She's harmless, look at her! She's too drugged to care."

Snape placed a fine hand to his forehead and sighed. "I suppose so. Please tell me you at _least _have something on her so that she won't be obliged to divulge anything she knows about _us._"

A dreamy look came over her face when he said '_us'_.

"Kate", he said again.

"Hmm? Oh, of course I do. Would I be a Slytherin if I didn't think of that?"

"When does detention start", Avlin asked after a while, having lost interest in the shiny pen. She was now looking at Snape's highly polished shoes.

Snape stepped back a bit. "Don't touch my shoes. In fact, I have several pairs of boots that could use polishing. Let us move to my private quarters."

"Can I lick 'em if you put 'em on", Avlin asked.

"No you certainly can't! Keep saying stuff like that and I'm about to kill you! Best step back", Kate snapped.

Snape shook his head, resigned to the ensuing madness in a decidedly Snapey way.

As he walked away Kate pointed to herself and mouthed, "That's my job!"

They followed Snape into his bedroom. He pointed to a pile of dingy black boots and a wooden box that contained polish.

"I trust you'll not try to huff the fumes, Ms. Devin", Snape asked.

Avlin was opening a canister and then replied, "Huh? What? Oh, yeah, why not, just this once."

"Have you ever thought of getting her help", Snape asked.

"It's crossed my mind but, she's not doing anything, it's harmless", Kate sighed. "She's just being curious, kinda' like a puppy with it's muzzle stuck in the peanut butter jar."

"Can you do that? Huff peanut butter, I mean", Avlin asked, black polish on her nose.

"Yeah, we're going to rehab once the semester ends", Kate sighed.

"Probably a good idea. Well, if you will, follow me to the kitchen please. We have something to attend to."

"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet", Kate mumbled.

When Kate entered there was a table lit by a single candle, a rose on the place mat before what was presumably her chair, and several platters of food resting on a buffet.

Snape pulled back the chair with a wry smile. Kate was feeling very warm and fuzzy as she sat down. He picked up the first platter after she had moved the rose to the side and offered her some of the contents(mashed potatoes).

He continued to serve her in that fashion (easy mac, green beans, and fried chicken). Kate giggled, how romantic, chicken!

Snape sat down after filling both their glasses with wine and raised his fork. "I trust everything is to your liking? I checked into your background to see what you might eat in your native land."

"Tennessee is hardly exotic. Usually I prefer raw salmon and salt. But, I eat easy mac all the time back home! This is so sweet! Tell me, you had this planned the whole time, didn't you?"

Snape smiled and shrugged.

Aw, Kate thought, I melt. He's so precious when he smiles. Squeeeeeeee!

She looks so happy, Snape thought. I done good.

They continued eating in an awkward yet happy silence. Then Avlin burst in with a pink vibrator in one hand and very high-heeled boot in the other. Polish was all over her nose.

"Is this the applicator? I can't figure out how to work this thing. I found it in one of your socks", she said, a mooncalf look on her face.

"Well", Kate said, trying to ignore the stiletto Avlin was holding, "That's not the applicator, but to turn that on you twist the bottom."

Snape stood up and shooed Avlin out of the room.

"Where were we", Snape asked as he sat down.

"You were about to seduce me, I do believe", Kate said amusedly.

"Ah, yes. Snape said, magically causing the wineglass to refill itself.

Then, there was a knock at his door.

"Severus? Severus? Are you there", came Remus's muffled voice.

Snape slammed his fist against the table. "Come in, damn you!"

Kate blew out the candle and with a wave of her wand the platters turned into stuffed pink turtles. With another wave the torches on the wall burst into flame and the kitchen was flooded with light just as Remus entered the room.

"Sorry to interrupt- say, what was going on here", Remus asked, eyeing

Snape suspiciously.

"I was helping him sort his pink turtle collection out as part of my detention", Kate chirped.

Snape looked at the table and murmured, "Oh gods..."

"Severus", Remus asked.

Snape cleared his throat . "Yes, that is precisely it. It has been too long since I've sorted through them all."

Remus smiled and picked one up. Snape snatched the turtle out of his hand and held it close to his chest. "Leave Mr. Jujubean alone! He's my turtle."

Remus snorted. "If you say so. How are you tonight, Ms. Appleton?"

"Very well, thanks", Kate grinned.

"What's that humming noise coming from the other room", Remus asked.

"Ms. Devin is polishing my boots. Why don't you go supervise", Snape said with and evil grin, knowing what he was setting Remus up for.

Avlin was rubbing polish all over her face with the vibrator as Remus entered. She turned around with a dumb look on her face.

"You're a werewolf", Avlin shouted, more as a question.

"Er, emm, well, yes, I suppose so", Remus answered miserably.

"Bite me", Avlin shouted as she rushed over to him, pointing at her neck.

"You don't know what you're asking", Remus said, stepping back.

"Come on, it won't hurt me, or you for that matter! Come on!"

Remus took several steps back. "You really don't know what you're asking."

Avlin wiped the polish off her face with her robe, then seeing the state of it, removed it. She was wearing a black T-shirt and cut off jeans beneath it.

Remus was startled by the girl's figure. Under the androgenous robe, she was quite attractive.

"No, _you_ don't know what I'm asking. I'm a lycanthrope too."

"Do you here moaning noises coming from your room", Kate asked.

"If they're in my bed, that bastard is buying me new sheets", Snape muttered.

"I'll turn her into a pink turtle! It's my specialty."

"Well, let's not allow _their_ hormones to stop ours", Snape said, rising from his chair. He slowly began rubbing her shoulders when there was another knock at the door. Kate fell out of her chair.

"Can we have one of those turtles", Remus asked meekly from behind the door.

"Eh, here, this is Mr. Mojo", Snape said, handing him one of the turtles. "I want him back! Clean!"

"Mmm, can't promise you that one", Remus said, snatching the turtle and slamming the door.

"Hmm", Kate said from where she was sprawled on the floor. "That was out of character."

Snape helped her back to her feet.

"Oops, I fall", Kate said, crashing against him.

Snape pulled her closer. "Fall indeed", he said with a smile.

"Purely unintentional."

"Oh, I'm sure it was", he said, brushing back a lock of her hair and leaning in for a kiss.

There was another knock from the entrance door.

"Gods! Who is it", Snape shouted.

"There's a student out of bed", Filch shouted.

"You don't say", Snape asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I think it's Potter", Filch answered, still behind the door.

"Potter! Katherine, my dear, this must wait. I'll be back. Please, don't leave", Snape said, kissing her cheek and releasing her.

Kate sighed and picked up one of the turtles. "When are we going to get a chance to be alone in peace, Mr. Brownsauce?"

"I don't know, I'm just a turtle, Jesus H. Frog", the turtle replied in a tiny voice.

"Ye gods! I didn't know you could talk", Kate said. "Mr. Brownsauce, you just don't know what I have to go through. Severus and I hardly ever get a chance to be alone together and when we are there is always someone to interrupt. Usually it's Avlin, and now, the one time she's _preoccupied_", there was a low moan from the bedroom, "there's a student out of bed", she finished, doing a perfect imitation of Filch's voice.

"You think you've got problems", Mr. Brownsauce replied, "You're going to turn me back into food and eat me in a little while."

Kate sighed and threw Mr. Brownsauce over her shoulder. She picked up another turtle and started talking to it.

"Mr.Chickenleg, you don't know what I have to go through..."

"What is it sweetie", Mr. Chicken leg asked.

Avlin ran her fingers through Remus's silky hair.

"That was great", Remus sighed. "Even if it was in Snape's bed."

"Yeah, but I have the feeling Kate is going to turn me into a pink turtle for this one. I think she and Snape had their own plans for this bed tonight", Avlin sighed.

"I'm glad we could interrupt them", Remus said nipping at her left ear.

Kate was in tears in the kitchen.

"It's okay, Kate", Mr. Chickenleg said kindly.

Kate stopped crying. "It is?"

"Yeah", Mr. Chickenleg replied.

"Oh, well then. That's all I really needed to hear", she said, throwing him over her shoulder.

Snape strode down the corridors, hoping to catch a student just so he would have something to yell about. This was supposed to be an important evening, he silently fumed. I read all those ridiculous fan fics she loves so well! I knew exactly what she wanted! I was being romantic, for crissake! And now, my bed is being defiled by a deadhead and a werewolf, I'm storming around the castle looking for some bloody student, and it's not fair! It's not FAIR!

"Screw this! Just screw this! I'm going back. Potter or not, I'm going to go back and do all those things I memorized from the stories!"

"What are you talking about, professor", Filch croaked over his shoulder. "What have you been reading?"

"Erm, nothing", Snape said, turning around.

"Oh, professor, there isn't _really_ a student out of bed", Filch said, in what was supposed to be a smooth voice.

"What", Snape asked irritably.

"I just, well, we never get a chance to speak, you and I..."

Snape's frustration was building by the moment. "No, I suppose not. Why?" Snape turned back around.

Filch allowed his weather stained trench coat to fall open. Beneath it he wore a black and hot-pink teddy, fishnets that rose to his middle thigh, and white high heels. He toyed with a black ribbon around his neck in what he surely thought was a seductive manner but Snape found utterly disgusting.

Filch smiled, showing his mossy brown teeth and nodding, giving Snape his best bedroom eyes.

Snape took off running, screaming and clawing his eyes. "IT BURNS IT BURNS!!!! AGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!"

Kate sat placidly in the kitchen, smoking her cigarette and staring at a pink turtle that was also smoking a cigarette.

"So, Mr. Bobibbly, what should I do", she asked as the turtle began to paint her nails.

"Well, girl", the turtle said in a flaming voice, "Maybe you should go find him. I mean, my sixth sense tells me he just saw something he didn't wanna' see. Go to him girl. Go to him."

Kate stood up finger raised. "I will!" She ran out of the kitchen, the turtle's last piece of advice still echoing in her ears.

"GO GET YOU SOME", the turtle shouted.

Avlin rolled over panting. "No more. We gotta' get ourselves out of here before they, erm, are ready."

Lupin groaned. "Sleep good."

Avlin grabbed him by his hair. "Come on, we'll take this to the Shrieking Shack! Make that mother shriek one more time, but for pleasure instead....Huh?"

Lupin smiled. "If you don't stop pulling my hair we'll never make it that far. I like it rough!"

Kate ran down the hall, chanting her new mantra "GOTTA GET ME SOME!" Not watching where she was going.

Snape ran blindly down the hall, still screaming about the burning sensation behind his retinas.

Lupin and Avlin crept carefully through the halls, wrapped in Snape's new silk sheets that he had bought just for tonight.

Snape and Kate ran into each other. Snape screamed, afraid it was Filch. Kate said oomph.

"My goddess Beldandy! What happened to your face", she asked, prying his hands away.

"It's you", Snape said with relief.

"It's me", Kate said soothingly.

"You have no idea what a nightmare I just had."

"Do I want to know?"

"I don't even want to know. Let's go back to my place and resume?"

"Can't, Remie and Avlin are still howling at the moon in there."

"Damn. Where else can we go?"

"Want to make the Shrieking Shack shriek?"

"Isn't that a little dangerous?"

"That's half the fun", Kate said, regaining her feet and helping Snape to his.

Remus and Avlin padded through the school grounds quietly, praying to whatever unmerciful gods ruled that stretch of turf to let them pass safely. They reached the Whomping Willow, prodded the knot and entered the tunnel.

Snape and Kate entered closely behind.

"If I remember correctly, there is a bed in one of these rooms", Snape said, the first room they entered they found the bed and slipped into it quietly.

Kate rolled over an hour later, both their passions being successfully accommodated only to find a blinking face staring back at her. There was still a smudge of polish on the end of the nose.

"Avlin", Kate asked.

"Kate", Avlin chirped.

"Remus", Snape mumbled in surprise.

"Snape", Remus said cheerfully.

"Avlin", Snape asked.

"Professor", Avlin grinned.

"Remus", Kate asked.

"Kate", Remus greeted.

Avlin rolled over and looked up at Lupin. "Remus."

"Avlin", Lupin smiled.

"Sev", Kate smiled at her lover.

"Kate", Snape said, looking especially pale.

They all leapt out of the bed at once.

"My blue green gods but I didn't think things could get worse", Snape moaned.

"Did we just have an orgy? Does that count as an orgy", Avlin asked.

"You know, I don't know", Kate wondered aloud.

"I think it might", Remus said, scratching his head.

"Na, I think we have to know we're having sex in the same bed first", Kate said.

"But it's an orgy if it's more than three people", Avlin pointed out.

"But what if four people don't know they're having sex beside each other", Remus asked.

"Did anyone know", Kate asked.

"I did", Avlin smiled maliciously.

"You did not, wench. Don't listen to her, she's full of it", Kate shook her head.

"I think we just discovered something new", Remus smiled.

"Stop it! Stop it! Aggg! I should have just stayed with Filch! This is so much worse! AGGGGGG", Snape said, then fainted.

"No! I'll where a black and pink teddy", Kate shouted.

"I'd rather you didn't", Snape mumbled from where he laid sprawled.

"Well, it's been real, but I think we should all get to bed before sun up! Classes tomorrow and all", Avlin said, wrapping up in a sheet.

"I guess I'll carry him home", Kate said, scooping and unconscious Snape up in her arms.

Fin


End file.
